Illumen: Same Great Poetry, Different Presentation
Magazine now in digest format
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA [SDP] -- Illumen, Sam's Dot Publishing's magazine of speculative poetry, is now published in a perfect bound digest format. Ever since its inception on 1 October 2004, Illumen has been distinct by both appearance [full-sized magazine] and quality [top], and the new format assures that these distinctions will continue.
The Autumn 2007 Illumen features a serial haibun by Tom Galusha, illustrated by 7ARS. With poetry by Drew Morse, JoSelle Vanderhooft, K. S. Hardy, L. N. Allen, CP Campbell, Terrie Leigh Relf, and Amber May, plus many, many others, this slightly expanded edition will give you something to mull over, meditate upon, smile wistfully about, and ponder until spring--when the next issue is due out.
This announcement is brought to you by Tracie McBride's wry and witty short story, "The Blue Screen of Death," which follows. Tracie hopes you will consider her story when voting for your favourites. She lives in New Zealand, site of The Lord of the Rings movies, if that helps.
Now, to order your copy of the Autumn 2007 Illumen, or a subscription to Illumen, please click on the cover icon below. Then come back and read the story.
The Blue Screen of Death
by Tracie McBride
Three days later it happened again. Sara woke up and found herself dead.
Her soul bobbed against the ceiling as she looked down at her body, half-tangled in the bed sheets. An exquisite dark-skinned creature hovered at her side, his wings barely stirring the air.
“Azrael!” she said. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this. Did you get the right day this time?”
“Um…no. Sorry. Another false alarm. It’s this new software.”
Azrael flicked his glossy black ringlets out of his eyes and bent over his Pocket PC, stabbing viciously at it with a golden stylus.
“Bloody Microsoft!” he said. “OK, I think I’ve got it now. All things going to plan, I shouldn’t be seeing you again for around another fifty years.”
“That’s if I don’t turn into an axe-murderer or something in the meantime,” said Sara.
The angel laughed. “That’s not about to happen. You know all that stuff about free will? Complete bollocks. You couldn’t be bad if you tried.”
He gave the Pocket PC a few more prods. It chimed in assent. He smiled and waved cheerily as her soul plunged into a swirling vortex and jolted back into her body.
* * *
Sara died again later in the week. She was having dinner at her parents’ home when her soul slipped out, leaving her body slumped in the gravy. Her mother screamed hysterically and dragged Sara’s body to the floor. She threw all of her considerable weight into thumping on Sara’s chest, in what Sara could only assume was an attempt at CPR. Azrael shook his head at the performance.
“You’ll probably have a few cracked ribs from that,” he said. “Look, I could just take you now, if you like. You’re going to end up in Heaven anyway, so what difference does it make?”
“Thank you, no,” Sara said hastily. “Can’t God fix your computing system? He is meant to be omnipotent, isn’t he?”
Azrael blushed. “The thing is…he’s on holiday.”
“On holiday? God’s on holiday? How long for?”
“Oh, not long. Just a hundred years or so.”
“Well…don’t you have any computer experts in Heaven who can take a look at it?”
“There’s a few good ones up there, but no good ones, if you know what I mean.”
“My brother is a…I mean, he’s pretty clued up on computers. I could ask him to take a look at it.”
Azrael shook his head. “He’d have to die and go to Heaven before I could let him have access to the system. Which means we have two problems. It’s not his time to die, and when it is, he won’t be going to Heaven.”
Sara sighed. “I’m not surprised.”
“Come on,” Azrael said. “Time to send you back. Third time lucky?”
“I didn’t know angels believed in luck,” Sara started to say, before she landed with a thump back in her body.
* * *
That Sunday after church, Sara paid an impromptu visit to her brother Cliff. She picked her way past overflowing wheelie bins and banged on the door to his flat. After a minute he opened the door, dressed only in a graying pair of boxer shorts. He blinked and squinted in the sunlight.
“What time is it?” he rasped.
Sara checked her watch. “1.30,” she said.
“Shit,” he said. “I hate it when I’m woken up early.”
He opened the door wider and ushered Sara inside. She breathed as shallowly as she could. Cliff’s flat had a distinctive smell, of stale smoke, foot odour, mildew and grease, the latter coming from the takeaway bar next door.
Cliff found himself a T-shirt and a cigarette while Sara cleared a space on the couch.
“Mum told me about your little episode the other night,” he said. “What was that all about?”
Sara told him. Cliff blew smoke rings towards the stained ceiling.
“Yeah,” he said, “I bet I know what the problem is with their system.”
Sara nodded. “I thought you might. I also thought that, seeing as you’re a hacker who is talented enough to be wanted in seven different countries, you might be able to get into Heaven’s system and fix it for me.”
“I don’t know, Sara,” said Cliff. “Technically, I’m more of a cracker than a hacker. I could probably get in – I am that good – but it doesn’t sound right somehow. What kind of cracker breaks into a system and fixes it? It would be against the cracker’s code – if there were a cracker’s code, that is.”
“There’s one thing I forgot to tell you,” said Sara. “You’re not in Heaven’s database.”
“But if I got into the system,” Cliff said, “I could add my name. And give myself a Methuselah-sized lifespan while I was at it.”
“That’s if the Devil doesn’t claim you first.”
“No problem. I’ll hack into Hell’s system too.”
* * *
Cliff rang Sara a few days later.
“Hi, sis,” he said. “Job done. It was a piece of piss getting in – those angels are so trusting, their system doesn’t have any protection. Oh, by the way, I’m calling from the hospital. Would you be able to pick me up? And I need a place to stay and some cash. I had a little fire at my place.”
“What happened?” asked Sara. “It couldn’t have been a vengeful bolt of lightning from God. He’s still on holiday.”
“Well, like I said, it was easy getting into Heaven…but the firewall on Hell’s system is something else…”